HILARIOUS COMEDY

RUDE MAN

Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

 HONEST 

An American, a Mexican, an Italian and an Indian robbed a bank. As it turned out, they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos, Liras and Rupees.

When they returned back to their hide-out, the American distributed the money in four even shares. He counted each portion aloud:

"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you, 1000 rupees for you ...

1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you, 1000 rupees for you ...

1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you, 1000 rupees for you ...

1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you, 1000 rupees for you ..."

The Indian said to the Italian, "Well I can't stand these Yankees, but I have to admit they are honest....."

TREMENDOUS FAN

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

BUSYBODY SPINSTER

A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his appearance.

"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant."

To which the man smiled and replied, "Madam, it was and she is."

INTERESTING CONCEPT

One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment.

During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about her home state of New Jersey using her body.

"Interesting concept," he thought.

First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside; she explained to him that this was, "Freehold."

Next, she took his other hand and placed it on her left breast; she told him that this was, "Point Pleasant."

Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.

Believing that he was getting the gist of the game, he asked, "So, is this Cherry Hill?"

She smiled at him and said, "No, this is Eatontown!"

Old 'out Of Gas' Rou..

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"

SPELLING ERRORS

Bernie is walking down High Street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of 'Moshe's Kosher Emporium' -ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM

So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.

"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.






"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."

"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"

NEUTERED

A woman had her dog neutered because she was told it would curb the animal's aggression. But the next day it savaged the postman.

"I'm so sorry," she said, rushing to the man's aid. "I was told he'd stop attacking people if I had him neutered."

"Lady," said the postman, picking himself off the ground, "you should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to make love to me "

WRONG BUS

A very drunken man gets on a city bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

HUNGRY SNAKE

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.

Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

PEPPER

A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.

Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?

French: Toilette pepper!

PAYING BILLS

Two guys robbed a rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each.

After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?'

'Ten lakh Rupees!' 'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?' 'I bought a house. How about your sack?' 'Bah... it was full of bills.' 'And what did you do with them?' 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'

LEADERS

A Singaporean, a Chinese and an Indian were asked to compare their Leaders with a National Landmark or Monument (man made or natural).

The Chinese wrote, "My leaders are like the Great Wall of China...old, but still as strong as the bricks in the Wall."

The Singaporean wrote, "My leaders are like the many highrise buildings in Singapore. They build our nation and bring us to greater heights."

The Indian wrote, "My leaders are like the Himalaya Mountains. They have been around for a long time, doing nothing."

 HESITANT DRIVER

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway on-ramp.

The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.

Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says, 'Yield'----not 'surrender!' "

ACCIDENT REPORT

A woman was filling out an accident report. She had dented a parked car while trying to park her own.

One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?"

She wrote, "He could have parked it somewhere else."

RABBIS

Two rabbis - one Reformed and the other Orthodox - were discussing their respective congregations one day.

The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?"

The Orthodox rabbi - known for his sense of humor - replied, "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just can't have them sleeping together".